quick about
august 5th 2025i still don't know how to journal without feling performative, like i need to put on a show. theoretically and hopefully no one else will be reading this (that i don't want), but even in my private world, i can't let the facade slip. i'll try to journal more, maybe getting that mask to slip. we'll see.
on july 25th, leo broke up with me. he said everything i did not want to hear. he felt like he had to parent me, lost interest in our relationship, and had been faking it for a while. i've always been scared no one would put up with me and my issues forever. i thought i had found that love, but i was mistaken. i know his concerns are true, because those are the things i beat myself up for daily. i wish he had told me any of this. i wish i could've given him sex whenever he wanted, maybe then we wouldn't be in this situation. i'm scared he's already dating someone. he spoke about a coworker who flirted with him, and he flirted back. it makes me feel so sick. i can't image how he would've reacted had the roles reversed. he told me he was jealous/upset about the way i talked about bosco's boobs. what would he have done if i told him one of my coworkers was flirting with me, knowing i was engaged, and i flirted back.
i don't want to think he's as... selfish or self obsessed enough to give himself a pass for things he'd be upset with me for. or maybe i'm just not that important. i served a need, and when that was fulfilled, i wasn't worth anything anymore. i've managed to keep one friend consistantly my whole life, and now i'm convinced we've only remained friends because physical distance and life got in the way of how frequently we hang out. i'm angry. i'm sad. my life is shit. being awake hurts, and being asleep hurts, doubly now since we still share the same bed. when i cry too much i switch to the couch. i freeze when he's asleep and reaches for me. muscle memory, probably, but it still makes my heart hurt. he slipped up and called me baby a few days ago. i still hear and see my leo when he laughs or does something silly. it hurts to know things like i didn't realize our last kiss was our last, or our last date, or last weird smell. fuck me man. i'm glad i have the pets who still rely on me, otherwise no one would ever be able to find me when i go.
august 11th 2025i don't have the time or willpower for fluffy journal intros rn. just some disorganized thoughts. i'm feeling some sort of way thinking about leo not telling me about his issues with me, and also not telling me what i did right. just thinking, will he find someone who fries beignets for him to wake up to, draws salmons and zukos for his lunch, is okay with sleeping on 6" of the mattress so he stays comfortable, cooks and bakes his favorite foods and desserts just whenever, plans in-house movie theater dates with handmade appetizers for his birthday, who spends hours looking for the best ring made with meteorite and dinosaur bones, gives him screaming, crying orgasms? was none of that enough to even warrant an attempt at repairing a near 7 year relationship?
august 22nd 2025i feel like i'm going batshit fucking insane and living with a stranger. for some reason in my mind i'm still expecting him to come back and ask me to be together again, and i'm adraid i'll immediately cave and fall right back into place like an abused dog licking the hand that beats him.
he stays out late just about every night. not to sound like a paranoid obsessive ex, but i think he's in a relationship, maybe with sam. and while obviously i am desperately nosy and it kind of eats me up that i don't know what or who he's doing, i'm mostly pissed i'm stuck back here picking up the pieces. today he told me he was having dinner with friends after work but would be back at 7:30. i took a nap at ~5:30, and imagine my fucking surprise when i wake up and it's nearly 10:30, no one else in the house. i called. no answer. i texted. finally a reponse. no, he hadn't been in a horrible accident or lost his phone. he was still on his little fucking date. didn't think to fucking, oh i don't know, LET ME KNOW he was going to be 3+ hours late? even as a roommate - not a partner, not a friend - you should know to give a heads up when you're going to be that late. factor into it we own 5 fucking pets together? what. the. fuck. and the house still isn't fully unpacked. christ. who the fuck is this person, or was he always a cold hearted asshole who doesn't care about anyone but himself? fuck.
he also fully knows he won't have "full custody" of michi or the pets, but still fucks off to do whatfuckingever and rarely brings michi, only when it suits his needs. my body will literally be destroying itself but i still care for the pets. i still play with michi outside, scoop the cat shit, clean the fish tank, train michi, play with the cats separately from michi, do it all while im horrific pain i cannot even begin to describe. how many times recently has he scooped the cat litter without being asked? what tricks has he trained michi to do? has he ever done a water change or suctioned the bottom of yue's tank? he can't do that, but he can decide he wants to take michi kayaking without cluing me in on it. then he acts like a saint for taking her on a hike this weekend. my hand cramps even tho i have way more thoughts, so til next time.
august 24th 2025today i asked leo if he was dating someone. to me surprise, he said he wasn't. despite all this time, i still can tell when he's lying, and when he's not. the question was starting to take over my whole mind until i couldn't stand it any longer, so i finally just... asked. i thought i'd be more relieved to know that he wasn't cheating than if he was, but i'm genuinely not sure of that anymore. when i had convinced myself he was dating someone, i was angry, of course, but now i know the anger was softener. now that i know he's actually single, i'm faced with my reality. he didn't leave me because he found someone better suited for him and was making him happy. now i know he's happier being alone than he was when we were together. god damn does that hurt. there's probably a million words and metaphors to describe this kind of pain, but even with 15+ years of writing under my belt, for the first time in maybe forever, the words fail me. it's a hollow kind of feeling, and i fear if i find those words, this pain will only deepen.
august 25th 2025NSFW WARNING - 18+
Click to show
recently i have been insatiably horny. a different mood than the rest of this sobfest of jounral LOL. i bit a fucking chunk out of my lower lip cumming yesterday and i keep accidentally biting the wound again and god fucking damn does it hurt. i think i pavlov'd my body into equating the new apartment to having sex. at the old place it was more difficult to fuck w/ our roomie living directly below us, and was awake and asleep at almost exactly the same times as me. i told myself it was no big deal, and when he moved out, leo and i could fuck like rabbits. unfortunately, as we all know, i got dumped before any of that could happen. i average around 3-4 orgasms a day recently, and god do i wish some of those were from leo. it kind of came up in conversation (my frequent urge for self-debauchery) and he said i could always find someone to fuck without having to love them or date them. i told him while, yes that's true, up until a month ago i thought i was going to be having sex almost exclusively with one person and had that belief for nearly 7 years.
i still expect him to be like, "oops, ignore the past few months, i'm over my mid-youth crisis and see now how good you are for me!" and that this will be a time we look back on and laugh in 30 or so years. i know i need to move on, but like all major traumas in my life, this simply does not feel entirely real to me yet. i can't imagine myself with any other person. the idae of putting myself back out there makes me feel ill. i knew so fast with leo that i wanted him for the rest of my life. it's something i never experienced with anyone before, and im worried i won't feel that again. hell, i still don't even know if i want to feel that with somebody else.
logically i know i have a lot to give in a relationship - devoted, top-tier househusband material, good in the bedroom, smart, funny. but i also know i have so so so many issues that i fear no one will be able to put up with forever. i understand why no one cares to put up with me, and definitely cannot fault that choice whatsoever, and that thought trumps them all. i hate how self aware i am. i can (mostly) explain my emotions, thoughts, and reactions, i know why i'm feeling/doing these things, but after that, i don't know where to go. very rarely, if ever, do i have those moments of deep, startling realizations and the catharsis that comes with it. i'm just stuck with this knowledge and nothing to do with it.
august 26th 2025 ami have been so intolerably tired recently. part of that i know is just depression and no longer feeling like i have a purpose anymore, and thus have a hard time finding the desire to do things. i also am having so much trouble going to bed and wanting to go to sleep (i know these things are contradicting... did i ever pretend that things made sense?). the dreams, the fucking things i see and experience terrify me. it's not even like it all goes away when i wake up, oh no, that would be too easy. i'm frequently unable to tell the difference between dreams and reality. thankfully so far it's been inconsequential things (except for that time i was positive mom watched the boys, only to find out it aired after she died... that still fucks me up, LOL), but the feeling that i'm losing my mind is genuinely scary, and i'm worried that these little things will balloon into something bigger, and even scarier. and while these things aren't new (although they are getting worse), i'm now experiencing a new audio hallucination that makes it even more difficult to sleep, especially since i'm not used to it. i'm hearing loud random banging. at first i thought maybe it was the neighbors, or construction, or plumbing, but when i realized the pets weren't reacting whatsoever to the loud sudden noises, and the volume and direction of the bangs never changed, i put two and two together. it just... really fucking sucks, and i feel like there's no one i can (or want) to talk to about this... except for you, dear sweet journal.
august 26th 2025 pmi threw my shoulder out while i tore the apartment up in search of my goddamn tablet cord. it's only like $20 to get a new one, but i know as soon as i get the new one, i'll find the old one and be out $20 LOL. i'm tired, i'm hurting, and i'm oh so lonely. it's times like this i especially miss leo. i wish he could hold me, skin to skin, and just melt into each other. instead i'll go to bed, cold, alone, and in pain.
tangent 1: i think leo is part of the reason i'm having trouble sleeping, and not just because of the new stressors. now that i sleep alone, i don't have anyone who can wake me up when i scream or thrash, and i didn't realize just how much that helped.
tanget 2: i'm petsitting for dad and his wife for a week, starting friday, and he and i will have to talk pay, because he has me fucked up if he thinks i'm going to do it for $75 per night. maybe if i actually liked both dogs, or if they weren't both a bite risk, then maybe. but on top of that, i have rent due, still need to come home at least a few days to take care of my own pets, have to buy my groceries there, and have job interviews to prep for and go to. yeah, no. if he can stock up the fridge and pantry with roomie's favorite foods and pay for his ubers to & from work, and still paid him $90/night, he can fucking pay his own kid the same rate.